Confronting the Ego Within the Practitioner


“A great man is always willing to be little.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

One of my students told me something not long ago that has since stuck with me.

An indigenous elder they spent time with was asked what their one wish would be for the people of the Western world. He answered simply, it would be for them to become smaller. He went on to explain what he meant by smaller, since he wasn’t referring to physical size.

It’s an understatement to say this prayer struck me deeply. I have felt its echo through me since. At the time this was shared with me I’d been reaching back into my Quaker roots and into the practice or attitude of selflessness and humility. In Quaker philosophy and silence, I had been meditating on the presence of smallness.

In white supremacist culture, we are told to be big and do big. (This becomes very complicated by marginalisation and oppression if we are/present female, dark skinned, queer/gay, trans, older, fat, disabled, ill etc.) We are told to have a big life, make big money, big influence, reach big audiences, have big love, own big things, have big ambitions/career, big dreams, big successful businesses, and big beauty. It is measured against other people’s bigness, otherwise your big doesn’t know how big it truly is. Those of our culture are so often assessing how big they are, or their life is in any given moment, always seeking bigger and better… hungry souls eating feasts of emptiness. Metaphorically we are always on the search for the largest ‘meal’ we can find or offer, even if for a short time to have the illusion of being full, until we then desire something bigger. The ego grasps onto this concept of big and learns quickly that there is always someone or something ‘bigger’ to try to be, to have, or create… no matter what.

The spirit of big it seems, always wants to be bigger. And as most of us have observed, it tends to consume things and other beings/people in order to get bigger.

In the weeks that followed the prayer I’d received about becoming smaller, it began to seep in more and more – the spirit of small, and the spirit of big. It seemed to be the answer my soul had been seeking for many years now, always feeling that this race was not something I wanted to be a part of. The prayer to be small, for the sake of my happiness, peace, and for the happiness and peace of all beings, rose up from a place that had been residing within me for as long as I can remember. The desire to remain hidden or in the background is unusual for a confident person that feels so comfortable teaching – but there it had been nevertheless all my life, and still where I find the most peace.

Big can mean many things to us – most often to be admired, important, desired, wealthy, heard, seen, intelligent, recognized, elevated, idolized, honoured, appreciated, cared for, and of course, loved. Spiritual and healing pursuits are often not handled much differently. We want big breakthroughs, big healing, intense experiences, bigger connection to spirit or earth, big wisdom, big peace, bigger joy. We are enculturated to want more and better. Living in a culture of incredibly high consumption, when very little is digested and appreciated.

In the American culture of built in self-hate that almost everyone carries around with them (in at least some percentage), there is the continual struggle to be better and bigger than we perceive ourselves to be. Multiply this for those who are struggling with internalised racism/sexism/homophobia etc. their whole lives. I’ve watched this exhaust and deeply hurt so many people that I love and have been honoured to witness.

In the realm of the healer, and very much since Western medicine came into being (though it’s certainly found in many traditional cultures as well), the healer is seen most often as the “big” one with the power and control. Performances are given to audiences that show how wise and big this magical person is, as well as their medicine. You know you’ve come to the right healer because look at their big results! They are often people with big reputations and audience, which is not the measure of skill or value.

A new way of practicing healing work is emerging where there are no masters. Where equality is celebrated rather than a hierarchy of some people valued over others. Where the practitioner supports a client in their own inner listening, wisdom, and self-healing capabilities. We share knowledge and experience, knowing the most effective way to help support another is to empower them to activate their own healing tools and intuition.

We learn that what can appear to be very small, invisible, ordinary, and simple can be what is most healing and needed for one’s body, soul and heart. The strongest medicines are not found in the hard to reach places I have found… they are surrounding you in great abundance, easily available.

I’ve also witnessed that as we become smaller, we become translucent enough to allow something much bigger than us to shine through… the presence of peace, of love, and compassion. It does not take becoming a ‘big’ enlightened being that has done ‘big’ spiritual work, it most often means emptying yourself enough in order for something to be seen through you. This is when the deepest nourishment and healing seems to occur, when the ego self dissolves and the divine is allowed to shine through. A prayer I’ve often held as a teacher is let me only be seen and felt as much as needed so that the student is not distracted away from themselves and spirit by the image/presence of me in the way. I pray to become hidden and small enough, so that as I fade into the background they see themselves… as if they were alone in a room with the spirits of nature.

In healing practice I’ve noticed more and more the ego at play, especially as natural forms of medicine and holistic living gain more attention and respect. Social media and a culture of attaining audience has exploded the ego. Unfortunately it means that it’s also swept into the arms and influence of Western (white supremacist) culture, consumerism, and often harmful paradigms of thought… Western ideologies on who the ‘healer’ is, and what ‘medicine’ is. Often local traditional healers are exotified and tokenized. Damage is done on many levels without awareness, and we try to take what has been less visible and make it viewable by as large an audience as possible. Not all things are supposed to be viewed and shared with everyone. Often some of the magic, spirit, and integrity is lost along the way… Sometimes what is hidden needs to be brought into the light, but it’s important for us to understand that many things are damaged in the handling of the masses… and the journey from small to big.

Medicine comes to us in an infinite number of forms. Healers come to us in an infinite number of forms, not just in the form you would recognise, and often not very big or loud. Sometimes in the forms of those who challenge us or make us uncomfortable. Sometimes in the one you barely noticed in the room… In an ant, or a shadow, or something you overlooked because you were busy trying to find something else. We still elevate humans above all other life forms, and in the process miss learning from our greatest teachers.

“Humility does not mean you think less of yourself. It means you think of yourself less.” – Ken Blanchard

To most of us in this culture, small is misunderstood. We have experienced it only as the state of not being big, not being enough, and not being able to take up space (often due to dynamics of oppression and others trying to be big). Instead of thinking of small as the absence of bigness, I began to invite the true nature of small into my consciousness.

I started observing within myself this presence of small and big. I spent time with the energy of big in my own consciousness and ego. I spent time with the presence of small, trying to set aside judgment about either, open to just observing how I am affected by them. Small seemed to silence my ego and nervous system, make it feel comfortable, content, loving, and gentle. It has simple needs that are easily fulfilled and enjoys silence. It does not seem to worry. Big I noticed in contrast, seemed to rile up my ego and make it feel excited, frantic, uncomfortable, loud, charged, needy, and harmful.

In my spiritual life I came to understand and experience true ‘bigness’ as a merging with with Spirit, or something bigger than my individual self. I began to feel the unlimited nature of my soul joining with all things and losing itself in union. ‘Bigness’ of the individual continued to remain uncomfortable, as it seemed to always mean the oppression of others in some form I noticed – an unequal sharing of space, energy, and resources. I’ve never felt that everyone needs to have the same existence or way of being in the world, I know that is not the nature of things… but I was interested in how the presence of ‘big’ and ‘small’ affected me internally and others around me. I also felt the compassion and peace I experienced from the presence of ‘small’ was something I wanted to cultivate in my life.

I came to see quickly that being ‘big’ does not help others, not my students or anyone looking for support in their healing. Teaching or reinforcing the culture and presence of ‘big’ does not tend to help others find healing, wisdom, or wholeness. Small can be the greatest gift and teacher, often because small does not overshadow or fight with you for space or things to consume. Small helps you to see and look out for all those beings we can knock over or overlook in our fight to be big. I have learned that Grandmother/Grandfather shows up most often in those who are ‘small’ (an elephant has very deep wisdom of ‘small’). They show up as the ones least often seen and heard. I watch them, silently experiencing their beautiful energy and presence… watching them unaware of themselves, simply lost in the present moment, not trying to be any bigger than they are.

I invite you to look at your relationship to big and small. How you are affected, and how it affects others around you. Are you allowing your basic nature to be what it is? Or do you find yourself trying to inflate and be bigger? When you try to be bigger, do you notice how it affects yourself and others around you? How do you share space with the other beings around you?

When you’re having a bigness crisis, try on small. See how it feels.
There are treasures within that most of us have yet to discover.

Thomas Moore wrote, “Humility, that low, sweet root, From which all heavenly virtues shoot.”

May your sweet root grow deeper.

One thought on “Confronting the Ego Within the Practitioner

  1. A powerful Plant Spirit, friend and teacher I’m getting to know is Forget-me-Not. Small and inconspicuous, delicate and humble in appearance, this plant sure holds BIG opportunity for some deep karmic healing. In a nutshell, from a little nut who sometimes longs to grow into a BIG Tree Woman, we can do wonders without second guessing how the little ripples we make in our little lives are joining others to create a big ring of collective healing. This is a beautifully written article. I’m delighted to have found your site and gracious offerings of wisdom. In Gratitude, julie and Julie, the yin/yang of my little/big being.

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